I want to let my story be told. Please take the time to read, you may think you know this story, but wait until the end.

-New Years Eve we announced "We Are Pregnant"
-First doctors appt. We found out how lucky we were to have gotten pregnant, (bicornate & septated uterus) due sept.1
-April Fools we found out our little Miracle baby has Spina Bifida
- First Sunday after April fools we went to our church, and asked God to heal our baby boy, our church laid hands on me, I knew he was going to be healed that moment. Regardless of what we were about to go through, he would be just fine. I had no worries and was actually stress free. Until...
- Week 24 I went to Vanderbilt to see if i would be a candidate for in utero surgery to fix Drew's back. Because of my uterus shape and Drew's birth defect, we were denied. Of course, it would have been more of a risk to do the surgery on us both rather than wait until he was born. We decided to go ahead and make arrangements to deliver in Nashville, TN at week 37. My worries & doubts subsided.
- July 15, went to ultrasound that morning, started seeing flashes of light, blood pressure was high, we called UHC in Clarksburg, to see if they thought I needed to go to Labor & Delivery, yes. I was having contractions by the time I got there. I blew 10 I.Vs before they got one in and was given magnesium. My contractions were 2 min apart but dilated to 1. They sent me in an ambulance to Ruby Memorial where I stayed for 3 nights. I had preterm labor & a mild case of preeclampsia. I got home and got up to make me lunch, after Nathan had left for work, and my contractions started again. I had to be watched 24 7. So I stayed at my in laws that week, putting myself on bedrest. I had to go have one Nst a week, and one ultrasound a week, making that 2 trips to UHC a week.
-July 23rd my mother drove me to Nashville,TN, stopping halfway, and continuing the rest the next day. We stayed in a hotel in Nashville on
-July 25th we went to get groceries, made it into the store and started having painful contractions (i started keeping track of how far apart they were after my visit to Ruby for preterm labor). I could barely move, and the contractions lasted from 7p.m to 4a.m. The next day I had a dr.appt. (Nst) everything was fine. We also got a call that a room at the hospitality house was available, so we moved everything once again.
-July 27th, I woke up, went to the bathroom to put contacts in and I seen flashes of light (stars). Mom checked my blood pressure, it was high. We called vanderbilt to see if they wanted to see me. They of course said yes. I got there, and within the hour I was admitted. Drew's heart rate was getting high, and mine was fluctuating. After getting bloodwork, a nurse came in and told me to be prepared to have my husband start on the road but she was going to ask a high risk doctor first to be sure. My preeclampsia had gotten severe. When the high risk doctor came in (after 10 min) they told me I would be having our Lil boy within 30 min. my heart sank. I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared, I just thought they would probably keep me overnight like in Ruby. I was in shock. I call nathans Foreman and tell him to tell Nathan to get on the road now! He was 7 1/2 hours away working in ohio. There was no way he would make it. By the time my mom got back to the OR they had already cut me open. At 2:30pm TN time I heard a scream♡ Our baby boy had arrived. 8 lbs even 20.9 inches and 5 weeks early. I was not able to see him after that for at least 24 hours due to magnesium. I had him in vanderbilt university medical center, Drew was in vanderbilt childrens hospital 3/4 of a mile walk through the long hallway to his hospital. My mom went to check on drew around 5p.m. and brought me pictures of him and his bubble on his back (size of a golfball) Nathan & his parents got to me around 10p.m that night. He went to see Drew around 1a.m. he brought me back pictures and videos. His back was skin covered. Which is the best. It was also on L5,S1 on the spine. 
- Still in shock. I got to see our prince again July 28th around 5p.m. (first time I got out of the bed) Nathan wheeled me down the long hallway. 
- july 31st i was released. Still unable to walk...
But that night until we left with drew we were very fortunate and got our names on the list for the nicu family room (like hotel rooms in the childrens hospital)
-September 4 I started seeing flashes again. I went to Labor & Delivery triage. I got bloodwork done, and it came back worse than before. They wanted to admit me again. But I wouldn't be able to see drew. So the high risk doctor on call made me a deal. I would be released if I came back the next day before 5.
-September 5 Drew had surgery on his back at 11a.m. Everything went smooth! There was only fluid in his bubble, no nerves! Praise God! He would be just fine. Only a 20% chance he would need a shunt. He came out of surgery breathing on his own, and eating! We are so proud of our little boy. We are home now and he is doing so great, he's a normal baby.

But, here's the story only me and my husband know....

I tried breastfeeding, (pumping) since day 1. I literally did all I could. I would dry pump every 2 hours. I wasn't sleeping, I tried pills, I ate everything I could. Everything I ate was supposed to help. I didn't eat anything different for 5 weeks. Until I hung it up. Drew latched fine, I just wouldn't get more than 30 cc's total out of both sides. Most the time only 5 or 10ccs total.

I started noticing my mood changes the day after I had drew. I was still in shock. I felt like I was trying to bond with someone else's baby. I felt so guilty for not being able to take care of him. It was so bad, that Nathan was just pushing me out of the way. I was terrified. I felt like I didn't know how to do anything. Like you would when you had a chemistry exam hands on, you had to memorize, get everything in order, but you wanted to ask first to make sure you were doing it right. I was afraid to tell the nurses anything or ask. Even when I was in the hospital, I wouldn't call the nurse for hardly anything. Thank God for my husband, he did everything he could for me. Which was 2nd biggest blessing, Drew being first. I felt so helpless not being able to just go down and see drew anytime I wanted while I was admitted. Once I was released, still not being able to walk I felt helpless. Each day I got better, which made me feel like not only did I loose drew from being born, but I felt like I was loosing Nathan because well, I didn't need him for every little thing anymore. It got so bad that once I was released, I would cry because I wasn't sitting there with drew. I had to keep my feet up, or go sleep, or pump, or eat. I felt so lost going out. I was inside the hospital so long I hated outside my eyes hurt because of the brightness. Which was also like my heart. It hurt from lack of sunshine, lack of happiness I felt like I was supposed to have. The joy in being able to see drew, grew into me pushing myself away, nathan pushing me out of the way, into me wanting to leave them, to just walk away because I couldn't be strong anymore. I lost my strength once he was born. I lost all my body had to fight. I had failed. I had failed my son, I had failed my husband, I had failed God. I turned away, from everyone. I cried, and cried. I couldn't stop crying until I didn't have the fight to cry. I couldn't shed a tear if I wanted to. I was just going through the motions. I wasn't actually there. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want anyone around. I didn't even want to be myself. I lost myself when drew came out of me. I lost my wit. I lost everything. I know most of you know this because some of you can see right through me. But I want to thank you for not saying anything. Thank you for not bombarding me. Thank you for giving me space. Thank you for looking at my husband like you knew, but I seen it all. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful God gave me the greatest miracle. But I never thought I deserved it. I was adopted, at 6 months old. Which SAVED MY LIFE. But, I have always fought emotionally, for love, for every emotion. My emotions can shut off in a split second, and I literally couldn't tell you what u was thinking because I would draw blanks. I wouldn't be me. I felt like I was looking down on myself from someone else's eyes. I have fought my entire life to live. And now that I have a reason... I can't feel. I did, finally seek help. It was going to far. I knew what I was doing but couldn't stop. I couldn't stop my thoughts, that I didn't want to have. I couldn't stop my numbness. I can't get drew to smile, because well I don't smile myself. I've became a hermit. Last week I went for my 6 week which was actually 7 week checkup. I reached out for more help once again, because I can't help myself. I have tried. It got to me almost having an eating disorder, which I'm now fighting again. I don't feel hungry, I don't want to eat. I can't sleep. Once I get the sleep I don't want to wake up. I've tried sleeping aids, it won't put me to sleep. I have to constantly clean and have to have everything perfect or I can't think straight or do my daily routine. 
PPD & PPOCD is real. And I know I'm not alone. Over 60% of women have this and don't even know it. Some women have it and are too afraid to tell their story. Well, the cat is out of the bag. I'm fighting a fight I don't even understand. I fight to smile back when I don't want to. I fight going places because I know I'll have to fight and fake my moods and round our families. But I'm tired. I'm tired to fight as hard as I can everytime. I don't have anyone super close other than my husband which is fine. I don't want to be anyone's burden or constantly asking for help. I just want to be happy, loving, and not feel like I'm not giving my son enough. I know different, I do. But no matter how many times I know better, I can't seem to truly make it happen. So please, if you are fighting a fight, Don't give up. I'm here to talk. We can fight together♡

AND to our family.... I'm sorry I never told you, I just didn't want the attention at all. I didn't want the it's just in your head, you know better. I know. But this isn't just emotions. It's actually hormones, chemical, it's something you can't always get over just because you tell yourself to.

Please share my story♡ and say a little prayer for me. I can't seem to do anything with myself. I know I'm doing great as a mother, I know all that deep down. But I want to do it because of love. I don't want to do it because I think I should or have to, because I make myself be an excellent mother. I just want to be excellent to myself, for myself.